Midterms are finally over and I have some time to breathe…not really, but hey everyone needs a break
I’m far from perfect, I cry, I complain, I stress, and 99% of the time I’m betting against myself. Telling myself over and over again that if I stay up that extra hour, I stand a chance at just being mediocre at my school. Telling myself that 3 hours of sleep, is okay and that if I don’t keep pushing myself because the fear of failing is the ultimate motivator. It’s a never ending cycle where knowing that there is always someone better than you is the ultimate crutch. Man, even typing that out, no wonder so many medical students are 1. alcoholics and/or 2.severely depressed.
It’s a type of stress that I’ve gotten used to over the past few months and each day I question why I am still here. I could be prepping for Ultra Music Festival, making a decent salary, and possibly settling down and starting a family: in other words, sometimes I sit in the classroom and I can’t help but feel like life is passing me by. I’ve tried to figure out what is making me feel this way and I think I’ve come to a plausible hypothesis.
I’m part of the instant gratification generation. Everything I could ever want or need, can be purchased or accessed by a simple click of a button on my phone, tablet, computer etc. So when I willingly embark on a journey that pretty much tells me that I won’t reap the benefits of hard work for another 6+ years, that’s scary. It’s scary because at any point during that 6 year path, I can fall off and recovery isn’t possible and then all the years and money and time that I have invested can never be given back to me.
Just when I think that it’s not worth it, I decide to attend a yearly extravaganza that is the day all medical students only wish and dream of being a part of:
Each time someones name was called up to go on stage to receive an envelope that feels like it has taken 4 years to get delivered, I feel like for that brief moment I just forget all of the stress and anxiety that I am feeling. These are the faces of people who have felt my same stress, asked the same questions, and have placed bets against themselves – and they decided to keep pushing.
A classmate of mine leaned over and whispered in my ear, “that’s going to be us one day!”
God, I hope so. I just have to keep pushing and I have to get out of the rut that I am in. There’s a reason not everyone gets into medical school, so the fact that I am here has to motivate me somehow. I have to keep reminding myself each day.
When I actually moved into my apartment, the last person who lived there left a note for me (I’m guessing she was also a medical student) and it read, “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
I thought it was a sort of odd quote, perfection is something that I thought we all had to be in order to survive in this profession and the only way we can compete with those who want to slit my throat just to move up one class rank. But I’m realizing that letting go of being perfect is pretty liberating.
That’s my mid-year resolution.
Man, I really didn’t want this to be a Disney channel special, but hey just giving you all my honest opinion.
For those of you who read this with the hopes of coming to medical school. It’s hard. It’s pretty fucking hard. But hey, you’ve made it this far. It’s time to start betting on yourself. It’s taken me a long time to realize this, hopefully you can soak in that message sooner than later.
I’m all in.